Place Beyond The Pies

Crap on a spatula –to quote Noel Coward, it’s been a veritable arse of a week…however, as Big Dave, my Slovenian fans and Ethel Merman know - the show must go on!

I had the good fortune to go to an actual, honest-to-God cinema last week to see Derek "Dezzie" Cianfrance (great name!)’s latest offering “The Place Beyond the Pines” featuring two of the biggest sets of muscles (both acting and physical) in Hollywood: Msrs. Bradley Cooper, aka “the Coops” and Ryan Gosling aka “Gossers” (his fans will be known henceforth as “Gosser’s Tossers” – no judgement, I think he’s tremendous)

Now, Gosser’s Tossers will be a little disappointed as Gossers himself only appears in this film for about 20 minutes of this, what seemed like, seven hour epic. Cianfrance brings us a modern father/son drama, worthy of 19^th century literature, minus the servants and tea. Brief summary: Gossers is a ne’er be good motorcross circus stuntman who, unbeknown to him, has knocked up another local bicycle, Eva Mendes, during his past season at the “Carnie”. On discovering the fruit of his loins, he decides to turn his life around and make some money to provide for his son. Due to his poor CV and lack of unpaid work experience (I feel his pain) he decides to gain some sure fire cash by robbing banks. 

Despite this excellent career move, it backfires when he forgets his sunglasses and downsizes to a cheaper bike which does not provide the right speed of getaway that he has formerly been accustomed to. He gets busted by the Coops who shoots him in the head by a mistake. Blood everywhere, beep sound on the monitor, curtains closed. Shucks mate. 

The Coops is also shot in the thigh but, you know, gets over it in the way that only the Coops can - through masculine good looks and tortured facial expressions. Once the viewer has recovered from his physical beauty, we learn that the Coops has a son who is the same age as Gossers, thus setting the scene for cracking rivalry which will take place when these two sons find themselves at the same high school 16 years down the line. There will be drugs, more police stations, corruption, family tragedy, divorce, guns, football jerseys and even a hint of political office – who could ask for anything more?

Was that the worst film plot summary ever? Well…check out some of the corkers on imdb.com and then let me know.

Jokes aside, the cinematography is magnificent. One really feels the line between this film and Cianfrance’s last offering ‘Blue Valentine’. The performances are brilliant and surprising, particularly that of Bradley Cooper who perfectly captures the notion of a man who is isolated from his family through his own guilt and convictions about a fair and just society which evidently does not exist in the often corrupt surrounds of the police force. The minor characters are brilliant as Cianfrance creates a rich tapestry to accompany the arrestingly beautiful scenes of the wilderness of Upstate New York. The weak link is Eva Mendes – no surprise there. Looking forward to Cianfrance’s next offering of banging modern day Americana.

Orange Wednesday permitting, I will manage to see Michael Winterbottom (great name)’s ‘The Look of Love’ or even catch some of London’s Sundance Film Festival which starts today (if I’m not mistaken) What will you guys be seeing?

Until next time…

Jack Shit George

Dearest(s) – I have come up with a new concept: film protest. A process by which an entire group of people peacefully protest and let out their anger and frustrations regarding specific events through an excessive exposure to DVDs – I think it could catch on?

I came up with this marvellous concept during my week long rage following the BBC’s coverage of the death of Margaret Thatcher – has the BBC suddenly turned Tory without anybody mentioning it? Or were we just soothing ourselves in ignorant bliss? I find Thatcher completely odious and am more than willing to fight anyone who opposes this view. Consequently, 300 hours of community service await me. Let me assure you - it was worth it. I will not go into the ins and outs of my hatred for Thatcher and that dreadful excuse for a film which even won many awards despite the only real talent provided by prosthetics and Jim Broadbent (he could play a stoned potato and still be magnificent). I do wonder how the screenwriter and director managed to just floss over some of the most important social events in post-war Britain with a little real footage, never losing sight of the fact that she was “a nice old lady”. Total bollocks – I hope they feel ashamed of themselves.

Regrettably, I awoke at 9am this morning and managed to switch the TV off in order not to destroy it both physically and verbally. I feel that my great weakness is a fascination with national ceremonies (of any country) yet an absolute disgust for those at the heart of them. Today is, of course, a classic example. I am disappointed in myself that I feel so angered by the views of an ignorant many who seem to have managed to entirely re-written the history books in just over a week, yet I am thoroughly encouraged by the excellent documentary I watched yesterday, 'The Spirit of '45'. The interviews were absolutely fascinating - it's a shame so much of it has been cut to make a 90 minute feature but I believe the DVD has hours of extra footage so as soon as I can afford it, I will invest in a copy. I think that regrettably the post-war period is the only time when people have realised the good of socialism as the ignorance of many means that they equate it with communism. It can no longer exist in this country. We've destroyed the foundations in favour of our own selfish ambitions in our so-called "aspirational society". People no longer aspire to improve themselves through education or culture, they aspire to improve themselves through financial gains. I was at a group interview recently and we were asked what we aspire to. I replied that I would like to become fluent in Spanish whereas more than four people in the group replied that they "wanted to earn lots of money" with one girl even citing "a chanel handbag" as what she aspired to. It was at this point that I realised that I wasn't going to get the job. I am appalled by this blatant materialism but, really, who cares? My opinions mean absolutely nothing.

Speech of the week: the formidable Glenda Jackson (technically film related -  as well as being an excellent politician she was also once the darling of the British theatrical scene AND won two Oscars – nice one!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDtClJYJBj8

My film protest from 11am today would have featured: Brassed Off, The Full Monty and this magnificent Spirit of ’45. It reminded me of what I like about my country and about the real message of socialism when it is truly led by the needs and wishes of the people and not manipulated by individuals hungry for power.