Tuesday, 24 September 2013

The Artist and the ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!

Last Thursday I enjoyed a prized day off from selling shite over the telephone by bathing in some of London’s cultural splendour…’A Doll’s House’ in the afternoon which was simply breath-taking. Why have we never heard of this bird (Hattie Morahan) before??? SHE’S SPECTACULAR!! The production is so brilliant it made my eyes water AND I got a seat upgrade – all in all, a magnificent afternoon.



However, all of this wonder took place BEFORE a box office employee prized my precious £11.50 for the royal snooze-fest otherwise known as ‘The artist and the model’. I had many reasons for going to see this film – I thoroughly enjoyed Trueba’s last film ‘Chico and Rita’ and I like the idea of putting two of my all-time favourite battleaxes/sirens of yesteryear on the same screen. I am, of course, referring to Claudia Cardinale and Chus Lampreave who were completely misused and mis-cast in this film. I mean, Chus didn’t have any one-liners, was barely comprehensible in French and did not manage to sufficiently berate the young cast member in the film who was, for the record, shite. I was also highly distracted by Claudia’s fake, drawn-on eyebrows but was relieved to see that she has not gone down the Bardot/Deneuve/Loren plastic surgery road...



The “plot” unravels in this enthralling fashion: Chus and Claudia spot a young bird who looks like she could do with a good “douche”. They take her back to their “maison” and give her a plate of dog’s arseholes soup (or whatever was popular during the war years in the Pyrenees) During this charming repast, La Cardinale tells the young bird that she should try being a life model for her aged husband who is a sculptor. She, of course, accepts and promptly gets her kits off while he creates some banging masterpieces. Trust me, this description is far more interesting than the actual film despite the beauty of the images which, along with presence of aforementioned battleaxes, is the only reason to go and see this film. Unfortunately, these three factors cannot sustain this film. The dialogue is weak and mannered and, although it pains me to say it, the performances are just not up to scratch. I hope that these two dames are provided with vehicles worthy of their talent in their next ventures.

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